I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
😂 amazing answer
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
それは草
Birds & Planes.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.