My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.