My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
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SCHR脰DINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHR脰DINGER: Your cat’s dead.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
i love that my tweets still say i鈥檓 tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Him: I bet you鈥檙e good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn鈥檛 even running.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
need a new bf mines broken 馃槓
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife鈥檚 tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I can鈥檛 decide if it鈥檚 amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can鈥檛 help thinking…I鈥檒l never have abs like that.