Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
This kid will have a bright future.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.