An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta