professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue