People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.