Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
You Might Also Like
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“Huge”.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie