[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
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“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.