If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something