*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face