it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.