[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on