If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
plant them where lol
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.