I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Oceanography is all about current events
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.