Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
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Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?