CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
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me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]