you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.