My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
lol
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.