About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
that wasn’t the question
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?