Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.