Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT