@MarfSalvador

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

@TweetsByKaylee

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

@leechee420

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

@LoShearing

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

@Annekinns

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

@clichedout

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

@JasonNotEvil

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

@heyitsJudeD

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?