@WoodyLuvsCoffee Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
@MarfSalvador [Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee 
@patnspankme my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
@TweetsByKaylee [spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
@leechee420 Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
@LoShearing Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
@Annekinns You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
@NoContextBrits “Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
@clichedout Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
@JasonNotEvil elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
@heyitsJudeD Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?