[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”