I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.