Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

You Might Also Like


Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”


If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.


Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!


People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”


When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”


I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?


Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.


“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman


There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.


[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help