Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.