@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

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@Parkerlawyer

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

@Eden_Eats

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

@wendchymes

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

@CynicalTherapi1

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@BenOnus_Kenobus

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@HrBry

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

@WilliamAder

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

@ArfMeasures

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help