Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
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ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I haven鈥檛 broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I鈥檝e had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it鈥檚 a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?