Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
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Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Attacked by a mop.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text