Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
![]()
You Might Also Like
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
![]()
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
![]()
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”