My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I drew y’all a little something.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.