As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
(Jupiter –
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.