馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I鈥檓 delighted.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i鈥檒l give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i鈥檝e made some bad life choices since then
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
me: where do you live?
schr枚dinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it鈥檚 9 AM.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Prince: I鈥檓 deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)