I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.