I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
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The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Seems legit
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Danger is very dangerous
Running your mouth is not cardio.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale