@Emsrsue

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

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@DamienFahey

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

@leehopkins

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

@GashleyMadison

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

@markydoodoo

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

@_NinJar

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

@WheelTod

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

@envydatropic

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel