Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes