Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it