I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.