1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
socratic questions
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!