1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face![]()
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just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked