Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
You had me at “define legal”.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I pray every night that I never become religious…
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment