Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
You Might Also Like
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM