Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
the best thing i’ve ever made
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?