The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
You Might Also Like
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!