The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?