OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
![]()
You Might Also Like
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
![]()
![]()
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]