Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around