My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?