No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
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“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese