[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now