I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”


[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?


[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent


How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.



“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”


“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”


The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.


The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.


Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat


[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”