@SlabBaconBP

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

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@aneesa_p

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

@nerdamage

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

@AimeeHelene1

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

@SteveKoehler22

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

@wendchymes

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

@slimmy_shady

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

@heatherlou_

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

@Jake_Vig

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

@Reverend_Scott

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.