Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack