Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.