I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Catering service
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The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing