I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Boy never ceases to amaze me
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”