I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.


Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?


I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.


( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.


I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?


Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?


I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that


Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.


The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”


God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.