@SlabBaconBP

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

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@ranndrew

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

@dafloydsta

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

@murrman5

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

@kimtopher22

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@JohnLyonTweets

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

@Reverend_Scott

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”