Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Carpe DM
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums