I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
No, I don’t think I will.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday