[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!