I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.