My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”