I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.